Returning from Brink: A Near Death Experience

I am a member of CARE-Alumni Association, as I worked with CARE during 1999-2003 (an international development agency. More information at http://www.care.org). When I read Cheenu’s mail (Mr. Cheenu Srinivasan is coordinating CARE Alumni Association) dated 5^th May, 2013 on ‘Sad demise of CARE colleague Sandipta Biswal’s I got very disturbed, stayed in pensive mood for long before I could react. What struck me were the words like Star Performer, 42 years age, bereaved family (wife and two young children), and death away from home. Finally I could dare and write him back on 6^th May, 2013 that ‘I could feel the pain of dying man as well as his family members as I was in his position on 25th October, 2004. I was a dead man around midnight at St. John's Hospital, Bangalore, India on that day, and doctors could barely revive me. I was only 36 years old and my children were hardly three and four years old’. I returned back from the brink, but unfortunately he (Sandipta) couldn’t.

Cheenu responded me after three days on 9^th May, 2013. He wrote ‘……my apologies for the delayed response. I did see this the same day you sent it but was shocked and could not react properly’. A series of mails followed when he asked me about my feeling at that particular day or whether I had ‘Near to Death Experience (NDE)’, my learning from that experience and how it transformed my life. I responded that the memory is still very fresh in my mind: it’s like a film which I see almost every day. I can’t forget even a single moment of it and I don’t want to forget as it gave me many lessons.

We also agreed that my case will be shared with others. I never shared it before and probably wouldn’t have shared, but for Sandipta’s death and death of one of my class-mates (Dr. C. Kumar from BHU) in similar circumstances, gave me courage to accept biggest mistake of my life which I committed almost a decade ago.

I worked with CARE from July, 1999-April, 2003 as In-charge of WISH Livelihoods project in Bihar/Jharkhand and I was also a Star Performer. I continued my work with same zeal and dedication at Swiss Development Cooperation (SDC-IC) after leaving CARE when I was made in-charge of its program in Orissa, India. It had an office in Bangalore and as I was a national core team member I went for a team meeting in October, 2004. I had taken my family (my wife and two very young children) with me as my wife’s brother and sister were staying in Bangalore at that time.

On the fateful day (25^th October, 2004) after returning from office I took my family out for dinner and had a good time. The day was perfectly fine except that I was coughing a bit which I thought was due to weather change. During night when I slept, I felt that I am having a dream that I was not able to breathe. I woke up suddenly and realized that it wasn’t a dream. I was really coughing a lot; not able to breathe. I also had a severe headache, sweating a lot with perilous stomach pain, like somebody was inserting needles to my stomach.  I tried to speak but couldn’t. At that time I and my family were at my brother-in-law’s place, a student in Bangalore. He immediately called his friends, who rushed to his place, lifted me up (I was not able to stand-up) and ran towards nearest hospital. Luckily they got an auto rickshaw, put me and my family in and dashed off to St’ John’s Hospital, the nearest one.

I was in semi-conscious state with the feeling that I won’t survive. I tried to tell my wife about where I kept money and my ATM card details so as she could withdraw money if I die. I tried hard but could not utter a word. When we reached hospital, people were waiting outside for me with the stretcher. They put me and ran towards emergency room. Immediately doctors went into the action, put many injections and life saving drugs into my body. I was seeing them but didn’t feel any pain. There was a very strong smell in the room, which I had never experienced. I wanted to close my nose, but couldn’t. Then I saw my family: nervous, crying; and I felt that if I die what will happen to them. After that realization I told myself that I have to survive and I started repeating that sentence. At that particular moment, I also realized that ‘mind’ and ‘body’ are two separate entities. Though my mind was compelling me to survive, but my body was collapsing. 

I don’t remember anything more. Somehow, doctors were able to revive me and I was shifted to Intensive Care Unit (ICU) where I stayed for three days. Later my wife told me that I got unconscious for sometime but I know I never felt that. I saw everything and I think I was in conscious state. Cheenu asked me on 9^th May, 2013 whether I had any Near to Death Experience (NDE), and my initial response was negative. Nobody had asked me that question before and I never thought about it. After two days when I reflected back I developed cold feet. How could I be un-conscious but saw everything: doctors putting injections, my body collapsing and my family crying? Why couldn’t I move my hand to close my nose from that smell though I wanted to? Why I felt at that particular moment that ‘mind’ is separate from ‘body’? Whether ‘mind’ and ‘soul’ are same?

Later, doctors told me that when I was brought my Blood Pressure (BP) was 195/160, sugar level was much higher than normal range, and potassium level was zero. Surprisingly, after three days everything became normal, and even after nine years (I am now 45 plus) by God Grace I do not have any health problem as mentioned above (my BP is normal and I do not have sugar problem). Every day I go for jogging and exercise for more than an hour. Doctors told me that I had a stress attack which I couldn’t understand at all. It was a very new term for me. They gave me a booklet to read. When I went through it I realized that I had same symptoms as mentioned in the booklet. I still keep it with me, read every now and then, remember my time and thank God for every moment I am alive. I call it ‘borrowed life’. Let me quote from that booklet (Dr. Batra’s Stress Therapy, pp.7-8) what had happened to me.

“The reaction of our body to stress is medically termed as General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS). The three stages of GAS are:

Stage 1: The first stage of GAS occurs immediately after exposure to stress. This stage, known as alarm stage is very rapid in onset, often taking nanoseconds to be operational. The muscles of body tense, the heart begins to beat faster increasing the rate of breathing. The person starts to perspire, eyes begin to dilate and the stomach begins to clench. In this stage, the body begins to prepare itself to respond to the stress.

Stage 2: If, after stage 1, stress persists the body enters into stage 2 which is the adaptation stage. Now, the body raises the blood pressure and through secretion of certain hormones, blood sugar levels increase. The increase in sugar level is to provide additional energy to meet and combat stress.

Stage 3: If the first two stages are unable to resolve the stress the body eventually enters the 3^rd and last stage, the stage of exhaustion. Now, the body has completely run out of its energy resources and unable to fight back. It collapses (which could be through brain haemorrhage, cardiac arrest or other).

When doctors revived me, my body was entering into 3^rd stage and a slight delay could have been vital. I compared myself with Sandipta, the only difference I found and I think that helped me to survive was my family. When that thing was happening to me, my family was in front of me: nervous, crying. I saw their face and I told myself that I have to survive. If they would not have been there, probably I couldn't.

I won the best performance award at CARE for 2000-2001, was outstanding performer at SDC-IC but I was going to die at the age of 36 and my family could be on the road. What could happen to them? My wife still shivers. She always used to tell me not to work so hard and ignore the family (I was a workaholic), but I used to tell her that I am doing it for the family. That was a lie. I was focused on my career and wanted to continue with that tag of ‘Star Performer’. I stayed for three days in the hospital, reflected back on whole event and made a renewed commitment which changed my whole life.

When I see people repeating it I call committing suicide: ignoring health, ignoring family, ignoring peace of mind for that silly thing which we call 'career'. I also wonder what this 'career' is: Position? Power? Money? At what cost? Is it worth?

I took retirement from job in the Philippines four years later (July, 2008) at the age of 40. I came back to India, and now give more time to my family while pursuing the things I wanted to do. I have made myself and my family financially independent (money flow in whether I work or not). I use consultancies to earn a living and invest the money wisely. I have become a philanthropist and always donate a portion of my income to the needy and use my time to help empowering poor people. I volunteer my time with Tarun Bharat Sangh at Rajasthan helping Rajendra Singhji the ‘Waterman of India’ in his work. I also teach students/young generation whenever I get time. I also spend time with orphan children at Ashalaya (www.raysofhopeindia.org) to shape their career. I used to teach at Pune University and Central Institute of Fisheries Education (CIFE), Mumbai.

I have become more disciplined towards my health, and go for morning walk/jogging and exercise almost every day where-ever I am (I travel to different countries, different places). My understanding on religion and God is also broadened. I believe in God: the ultimate power. As I understand God has no face, no body: only a very shining glow. S/he is above religion & gender (male/female). After my morning exercise I go to temple/church/mosque/Gurudwara whichever is near to thank God for my borrowed life.

I am leading a more happy and satisfied life now. That particular event helped me to widen my horizon: getting more clarity towards life. People say I look younger than what I was 10 years before.

Life is short and I don't know when my borrowed life will be over. I would like to leave with a satisfaction that I could use my borrowed life in most efficient and best way.

My message to all those who is reading this story is that ‘Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara’ – You won’t get this Life Again- use it intelligently and don’t repeat the mistake I made. It is said that “wise people learn from their mistakes, intelligent people learn from others, fools never learn”. I believe you are an intelligent person. Thank God for s/he has given you such a wonderful life and family – your parents, brothers and sisters and if you are married then your spouse and children. Think about them: how they will survive if you commit suicide the way I was going to do. I was lucky to come back, you may not.